Insecurities.

There's this weird feeling I get at the beginning of a semester before classes start, but right after I get back on campus. There's the excitement of seeing my best-beloveds again, the relief of getting settled back into the room that I call home 8 months out of the year (though a twinge of missing-ness for my family's home is mixed in), and the anticipation of all the things I'm about to learn in the semesters classes. But mixed in with these feelings is one that has, until recently, remained unnamed in my mind. I Named it by accident just yesterday, just stumbling across the thought in a moment when I hadn't even been looking for it.

Its was my first full day of being back and I had walked down to lunch alone, my companions all being occupied with errands.Scanning in at the gate, I ventured into the cafeteria slowly, scanning for a familiar face at one of the many tables. Red-Zoning is what they call it here. I just call it scary. Finally spotting two of my girl-friends I made my way over to join them.  "I'm so glad you're here! I was just standing there feeling so insecure, hoping I'd find someone I know." And with that I realized that I had named the nameless.

Insecurity is exactly the feeling I have struggled to name. There's a thousand little worries that pop up in my mind when I come back to school after a break. --will my friends have changed?--will they still want me around?--will I be able to find the right classrooms on the first day?--Am I taking too many classes?--Am I way out of my league academically?
I start to feel little. The least.
The least wanted.
The least lovable.
The least smart.
The least capable.

Even now, as I face the beginning of my senior library internship, with thoughts of staff meetings, policy writing, and interviews swimming around in my head, I feel like a child again--totally unprepared to deal with being a grown adult. But there is power in possessing a name, now that I know what exactly I'm dealing with, I can begin to fight it. Have I not been told that I am more important than even the smallest bird that The Father has seen fall?

Everyday is a struggle to remember my importance in the Father's eyes. After all, that's what really matters.

4 comments

  1. Oh my dear. You are so very far from "little" or "least". You will always hold a place in my heart that no one can replace. No matter how much time passes or how many places you or I may go, you are my Elinor. :)

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  2. Sarah, I thank my God for you EVERY time I think of you, and everytime I pray for you , I pray with JOY! I am SO sure that God who began this good work in you will carry it on until it is finished on the day of Christ Jesus. You are always in my heart!
    I love you, Mom

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  3. Sarah, your blog is wonderful. Thank you for putting your writing online!

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