this is my fight song


Dear Reader, I have a confession to make. 
Last week I considered quitting my job. Yes. That job. The one where I'm a children's librarian. The one that I've long dreamed of and worked for and actually miraculously have. 
It was a moment (ok, more like a couple of hours) of panic, in which I was struck with the reality of full-time working state. I did the math and saw 40 hours per week, times 51 weeks come out to 2,040 hours of my life devoted to one single building, one organization, one job. In the short span of my half-lived life, that is a record. I thought of two thousand plus hours and panicked, because with a number as large and grand as that under my belt, surely I should have done some Great Good thing in that time. I panicked because in  flash vision to the possible future, I saw thousands more hours piling up around a self that looked exactly the same as the self I am now.
During my quiet planning hour, I couldn't help but cry a little as I jotted out the hours of my day to come. I spun wheels in my brain, trying to figure out an  escape plan--where I would go, what I would do--all the while, scared of even the escape. After all, look how hard it was to get here. I felt trapped between the fear of growing stagnant and the fear of starting over from scratch. 
But I stuffed both fears away--I had to-- in my back pocket, and started my day. Because that's what you do when you're an adult. 
Then, a funny thing happened. 
As I worked in my space - my cheery yellow-walled children's room - vacuuming and tidying, the simpleness brought me back to a level of calm. Doing work had caused me to remember my heart in all of this. 


No, I never want to grow stagnant; never want to run my days on autopilot. And yes, I want to do Great Good things with my one small life. But at what cost? Certainly not that of the precious small moments of the ordinary and mundane that I've learned to love the older I grow. I want to be as faithful to the small things as I am to the big causes.

So here is a promise to myself, from now till the end of my life - what ever I do with it all.

I promise that I will have a yearly freakout to contemplate quitting whatever I'm doing at the time, if only for the purpose of evaluating where I am in the grand scheme.

I promise  to never be willfully blind to seeing the small things of beauty. I will look for the miraculous in the mundane.

I will to take into account the beautiful mundane and will not sacrifice it on the altar of being revolutionary.

I will instead be a quiet revolutionary, remaining faithful to the work God has set before me, till that time that I feel Him pressing me onward.



Like a small boat on the ocean / sending big waves into motion / like how a single word can make a heart open / I might only have one match, but I can make an explosion. -Rachel Platten, Fight Song 



P.S. On the off chance that anyone from my general working area finds and reads this post. I'm NOT quitting. I'm not GONNA quit anytime soon. I just got my vacation time, I worked hard for that, and I'm not giving it up that easily. :)

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